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March 31, 2013
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There is a great deal of irony in every mind.
Even greater deal when the mind is great.
It is ironic in the way
We can tell lies
Lie to ones self
Know the truth
And still believe the lie.



I can't figure out how can that be
And why.
mind·ful

adjective
[predic.]

conscious or aware of something
[with infinitive] formal inclined or willing to do something


That's what makes us stay. When we are getting hurt, bearing in mind we can only get hurt more. But we stay anyway.

That disparity can lead to some serious consequences. For emotional abusers this is a perfect base, an invitation to create/join this cycle. Being abused in a relationship of any kind might often leave you hurt (being the victim) and feeling guilty for it at the same time (guilt pushed onto you by the abuser - comforting for himself to be rid of it, ensuring you will keep quiet about it, and making you more obedient and even apologetic often).
In a relationship, there might be a lot of feelings leading a person to feel that way. But mostly feelings for another person are the catalyst. Accepting that someone who we sacrifice ourselves for and go through days miserable, with the feeling of worthlessness does not love us is sometimes not a choice to make ourselves feel better. Sometimes we understand that someone who acts this way cannot possibly love us while wanting us to suffer this much. We can see it in others easily and see it for what it is - abuse. And we can usually see it in ourselves as well. There are doubts. But in the end admitting it out loud is too much for a mind to bear so we believe the lie instead. Not a conscious choice. Not a good one. On top of our previous doubts it just causes more guilt. But on the other hand we have a tougher one. One that leaves us feeling unloved, lonely, still guilty, stupid for getting lied to like this, and just as worthless as in the first case.
There is no easy way out of it.
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:iconloquaciousquidnunc:
LoquaciousQuidnunc Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013
Lying to oneself makes it a truth, and no person can change what another "knows" to be the truth.
Sometimes a lie can be a way to survive - to move forward until the lie is no longer needed.
Sometimes a lie can hold you back, by choice or by disorder (BPD). A choice is an easier lie to change. A disorder is not as easy, leaving a confused mind to always echo.......
I HATE YOU PLEASE DON'T GO AWAY
Lisa, an exGF, gave me an insight to this.

Am I safe in guessing that you have had some success in any of these areas?
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:iconlivholland:
livholland Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2013   Traditional Artist
I don't know. 'I hate you - please don't go away' it happens all the time. I don't think I have succeeded I think I have gotten myself even more lost than before. Sigh.. I wish it would be easier.
What I did was just writing down the equation but I haven't escaped it.
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:iconloquaciousquidnunc:
LoquaciousQuidnunc Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2013
I would attend her sessions with one of the top therapists in the West L.A./Beverly Hills area. They only therapist I never actually murdered [kidding]

 It seemed to me all she had to do was consider her dad as dead to her, but it's never that easy is it [?]

Her dad was THE root of all her problems. A history of cruel mental abuse towards her.  A real "Prick" he was. He reduced contact with her....after I told him I kick his ass or die trying. 

But she did improve enough to feel justified to steal cash many times from him ($1,500-2,500). We laughed as we blew his cash irresponsibly.
After that, she got a little better still.
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:iconlivholland:
livholland Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013   Traditional Artist
Yeah I wish it was as easy as that. Sounds like a good plan to be honest especially when you have someone to help you through it :)
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:iconloquaciousquidnunc:
LoquaciousQuidnunc Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2013
Well let me say it helped  - until it didn't.
She eventually returned to her old self, and abandoned me.
Ahh....life.
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:iconblessedheretic:
BlessedHeretic Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It's freewill. We choose what to believe.
If we choose to believe in what is not true, we face the gradual extinction process of the soul.
If we choose to believe in what is true, we face the sorrow of incompatibility with the world of lies. It's lonely to embrace truth.
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:iconlivholland:
livholland Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013   Traditional Artist
I think it's not that easy sometimes. This can be seen especially well when it comes to children who tend to be more honest in general and more dependent on first thoughts/first impressions.
As a child i was abused and my first instict told me it must be because my father doesn't like me. You don't do that to people you love, it's bad. Simple enough for a child. I knew the truth. Yet even then I wanted to believe he loves me. Or rather, I could not believe otherwise so I kept coming up with excuses for him in my mind, and another set for others to explain the bruises.

Sometimes our feelings and our instinct collide and that is usually the base for all psychological abuse. The fact that we knew deep inside causes even more guilt, makes us the bad one and so therefore makes us look for excuses for the abuser again. I haven't added it but this is what this piece is about for me personally.
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